Only Child: An Endangered Species
April 27, 2009
Like many children in today’s families, I come from a complicated assortment of step-parents, step-siblings, half-siblings, and divorced exes. I had eight grandparents -- each of my parents’ parents divorced and got remarried -- and I have six step-siblings and one half-sister. I was recently discussing with my half-sister what her children should call her ex-step-mother’s (my mom’s) nephews. Ex-second cousins? Are you lost yet?
In the midst of this seeming chaos, there is a truth that speaks peace above the din: I am an only child. I have no full siblings born to my own parents. There were no other children living in my home when I was growing up in a Manhattan apartment, and being the center of my parents’ world was the most defining characteristic of my family life.
I loved being an only child, and for good reason. My parents’ undivided attention, the solitude of my room and a complete devotion to my schooling and educational experiences offered an enviable childhood. And yet, perhaps because my mom had four siblings or because of our religion’s focus on families, I always intended to have more than one child myself. Out of naivite or just lack of experience, I never expected the rancor my five-year-old and three-year-old sometimes feel towards each other. Aren’t siblings supposed to be friends, playmates, loyalists? My daughters’ bickering got so severe a few months ago that I emailed a number of the super-moms I know and asked for their advice: How do I get them to love each other? Should I even be trying to get them to love each other? Is this amount of fighting and competition normal? I didn’t even know where to begin.
The helpful and insightful answers I received prompted me to think about which parts of my personality -- which of my strengths and weaknesses -- developed in response to my being an only child. I’m a terrible team player, for starters. I’ve always known that. But I’m an exceptional worker when left to my own devices with no one to compromise with. I thrive on long periods of solitude but can often feel awkward hanging out in a crowd. I get along particularly well with older people, but that sometimes puts me at odds with my contemporaries. I seem to have been particularly well-molded by my parents, sharing many of their interests, attitudes and beliefs. I doubt children with siblings have an opportunity to participate in so much of their parents’ lives.
And so is it better to be an only child or to have siblings? What are my children learning now that I didn’t have a chance to learn in my own youth? I like to think they might be learning selflessness in a way that I never did; in fact, my oldest daughter learned a poignant lesson just last week when I sent her to bed without dinner after she wouldn’t let her sister dance around the living room with her. After the ensuing tantrum was calmed, she and I talked about how we had taken her to school and picked her up, had one of her friends over for a playdate, listened to her violin lesson and let her choose what to have for dinner. The imbalance of the day in her favor hit home to her, and she was noticeably more accommodating to the poor forgotten little sister the next day.
