"Most of my married friends now have children, the rewards of which
appear to be exclusively intangible and, like the mysteries of some
gnostic sect, incommunicable to outsiders. In fact it seems from the
outside as if these people have joined a dubious cult: they claim to be
much happier and more fulfilled than ever before, even though they live
in conditions of appalling filth and degradation, deprived of the most
basic freedoms and dignity, and owe unquestioning obedience to a
capricious and demented master." Tim Kreider, The New York Times, September 17, 2009
Why do we have children? Tim Kreider's description of the parenting condition made me laugh out loud. I do so often feel "deprived of the most basic freedoms and dignity," don't you? Even my heroic mother-in-law who raised five of her own commented during an afternoon with my own three, "I forgot that feeling of always being followed around!" Yes, followed to the bathroom but not followed when you really need them to.
The resentment and confusion I felt after first becoming a mother is a sacred and defining part of who I am (and well documented in my book). I never, ever judge a mother for her choices after going through what I did; I try very hard to steer clear of Kreider's "Referendum", as I hope others will do for me. However, after six years, I am thoroughly engaged in a transformation that continues to surprise my old self: I am learning to love motherhood. It is not because I am free from a "capricious and demented master". (Anyone remember how demented I was during Dalloway's colic?) Or because I'm free from "filth and degradation". I'm not. But I've managed to take a long term view and it makes the day to day grind bearable and even often enjoyable.
For me, because of my beliefs, it's hard for me to answer the question of "Why children?" outside the context of the Gospel. Obviously, lots of people who are not Mormon are having children and still finding it fulfilling, but I've come to peace with children through the lens of my faith. I believe by having children we are giving much-desired and needed bodies to spirits who have been waiting to come to earth, but that hardly makes chaotic dinner time more endurable. Instead, it is my faith in the purpose of this life to teach us how to love that makes parenting something I can swallow. There is no doubt that, although I am messier, less punctual and a little slow on the uptake sometimes, mothering has made me a better person. I do a better job at feeling love for another human being. I see the wisdom of putting me here on earth with children who depend on me and need me to be selfless in my service to them. I'm entirely different person then I was when I started this adventure six years ago.
Parenthood makes me joyful, but not always happy. It brings energy, but not always fun. It forces me to love unconditionally, even when I don't like my kids. In short, it takes this life to a more disciplined level of practice than what we expect from ourselves. It demands we live up to what God expects.
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